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posted by cuteasprincie
Survey reveals puncak, atas 50 funniest jokes ever told

[HK]

A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined lebih than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com

Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had oleh far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags oleh Peter Kay and Lee Evans.

Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.

The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell anda what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.

"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.

"Many of the jokes in the daftar are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years atau more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man selanjutnya to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun toko and buys a handgun. The selanjutnya hari she comes halaman awal to find her husband in tempat tidur with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I berkata to the Gym instructor "Can anda teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in cinta - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop bernyanyi the 'Green Green rumput of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

11. I went to the doctors the other hari and I said, 'Have anda got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

15. There's two ikan in a tank, and one says ''How do anda drive this thing?''

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other hari but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I cinta the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to laporan a nuisance caller'', he berkata ''Not anda again''.

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a tanggal but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

25. The other hari I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I berkata ''Did anda get my drift?''.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper toko - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their baru saja tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he berkata ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are anda two an item?''

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other hari I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this bebek came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

33. I was having makan malam with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other hari I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it berkata ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if anda opened it and a socket set fell out!''

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a penyu, kura-kura disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''

40. I berkata to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He berkata ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a sampan kecil orang eskimo, kayak were chilly. But when they lit a api in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that anda can't have your sampan kecil orang eskimo, kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in cinta with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. anda see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell anda what I cinta doing lebih than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner toko - bought 4 corners.

49. A segel walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
The selanjutnya hari was Wednesday, which meant they met with Ms. Winters again. "I'm kind of scared!" Emma whined. Mellissa and Eve rolled their eyes. “Come on, Emma!" Eve threw back her head. "Fine." Emma replied back.

When it was time, Ms. Winters pulled them inside the classroom. "We're going to learn your abilities. Eve, anda first. Think bats." Ms. Winters said. Eve got up and closed her eyes. Fangs shot out of mouth and her once small human frame morphed into a bat. "Squeeeeeak! Squeeeaaaak!" Eve tried to say.

"Nice job, Miss Dipalo.Now Mellissa. If anda don't already know, anda have super strength,...
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First off, I’m trying to convey that I find your statement atau remark funny, even though I may atau may not be laughing behind this screen. Some people are too lazy to laugh, atau just do it to make them think that they like anda in order to get something out of you. Those kind of lolers are NOT your friends, I repeat NOT. For those who are clueless about what I’m talking about, “lol” is internet slang for laugh out loud and is probably the most used word on the internet and about 90% of internet denizens use this slang word in their daily online conversations, blog posts, comments, etc....
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1.Determine how many times a week anda eat atau want to eat chocolate. It must be a number between 1 and 10, including 1 atau 10.

Let's say anda eat cokelat 8 times a week (we won't tell).

2.Multiply that number oleh 2.

8 x 2 = 16

3.Add 5 to the sebelumnya result.

16 + 5 = 21

4.Multiply that oleh 50.

21 x 50 = 1050

5.Add the current tahun (Gregorian).

1050 + 2011 = 3061

6.Subtract 250 if you've had a birthday this year. If anda haven't had a birthday this year, subtract 251.

(Let's say your birthday hasn't passed yet.)

3061 - 251 = 2810

7.(Assuming anda were born in 1975...)

2810 - 1975 = 835

8.You'll end up with a 3 atau 4 digit number. The last two digits are your age (if you're under 10 years old there will be a zero before your age). The remaining one atau two digits will be the number of times per week anda eat atau want cokelat (the number anda specified in the first step).

8 pieces of cokelat a week, 35 years of age.
posted by misscrazel
                     5
                  Scarlet
I tried to brush Dominic's hair away from his eyes. This time he let me. He had one green eye that was a completely different pattern then the black one. His eye had been replaced.
"Your lucky," I said. "I heard in 3017 they couldn't do that." I continued. "you started being able to in 3018."
"I'm not lucky." He said,"it could have just not happened."
"What did happen?"
 "It's a long story. anda wouldn't like it anyway."
"No I really would."
"No. I don't want to talk about it."
"Ok. anda can tell me if anda ever want to."
"Ok. Well I won't."
posted by animelol
-Every year, nearly 4 million kucing are eaten in Asia
-On average, kucing spend 2/3 of a hari sleeping,that means a 9 tahun old cat has been awake for 3 years of its life!
-When a cat chases its prey,it keeps its head level. anjing and humans bob their heads up and down.
-A group of kucing is called a "clowder"
-Female kucing tend to be right pawed, while male kucing are often left pawed
-Cats make about 100 different sounds, anjing make 10.
-Some siamese kucing appear to be cross-eyed because the nerves from its left eye go mostly to the right and the opposite with the other eye
-A kucing eyesight is both better and...
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^.^ Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
This is NOT mine, I found it link. Thought this was funny....enjoy!
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are anda ready for detik yet?"

"Are anda going to come again selanjutnya time?"

"It's a little dry, do anda still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do anda think you'll be able to handle...
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posted by Gmillsap02
At the end of series 3, anda never really find out what happens to Zuko's Mom, do you? well, I've got an idea, check this out:

Ozai wanted to be firelord, but Azulon wouldn't let him be selanjutnya in line, yadda yadda yadda, Iroh and Lu Ten, yadda yadda yadda, Ozai has to kill his first born son. But Ursa didn't like that so she planned a plan so that Ozai would be firelord and Zuko would live, but then Ursa was banished and I THINK that Ozai killed Azulon but who knows. So, Ursa is banished, and I don't really know where she's gone....but remember when Aang was in the spirit world and he had to talk to "The Face Stealer" (Can't remember the name-sorry) and he changes his face, Right? Well anda know that face atau a girl with long dark hair? Doen't she look alot like Ursa? If anda don't think so just have a look at how different Azula looked when she was crazy and cut her hair.

Think about it...I could be right!

So she of trapped in THE SPIRIT WORLD<--------
posted by flippy_fan210
 Derpy
Derpy
yes, this is ripping off cupcakes. do not read of anda don't like blood and gore. for those who don't know the characters, cadence and shining armor are at the bottom.

chapter 1: Cadence

Cadence was walking to Derpy's new bakery with Shining armor. Derpy berkata she had something extra special planned for the three of them. “where is the bakery anyways?” Cadence asked. “i think it's the one with the huge kue serabi, muffin on top.” Shining armor replied. “yeah, that's gotta be it.” Cadence said, walking towards it. Shining armor followed her. They walked into the bakery, at first it looked as if...
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posted by randomgirl3000
Facing Stress is very common in school especially near exam time atau due dates of assignments. Learning ways to cope with stress can minimize the negative impact stress has on your mental health leading to maximize academic performance. Here are 5 ways that I come up while in school that I think might be helpful to new college students.

1. Have a support network - They are the academic resource center, the professors atau teaching assistance, your friends, your family atau school counselors. oleh having a reliable network of support, anda allow yourself to reach out to people who can help you. Furthermore,...
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posted by Wanda5
I'm bored so here, guess the songs :)

Rules:
- Put your MP3 player/iPod/iTunes on shuffle.
- Post the first line from the first 30 songs that plays, no matter how embarrassing the song.
- Let anyone guess the jawaban (song judul and artist)
- Bold the lyrics when someone figures it out

1. She paints her fingers with a close precision

2. This may be the last thing that I write for long

3. Tripping out, spinning around - Alice oleh Avril Lavigne

4. She lives in a fairy tale - Brick oleh boring brick oleh Paramore

5. Your little hands wrapped around my finger - Never grow up oleh Taylor Swift

6. He woke up...
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posted by koalagirl9
step 1.Go up to someone and ask there name
Step 2.Tell them that there name is ugly
step 3.Tell them they're kemeja looks like throw up
step 4.give them a hug
step 5:kick them in the shin
step 6:tell them anda cinta them
Step 7:kick them in the crotch atau stumach
step 8.Say i cinta anda again
step 9:walk around them in circles bernyanyi my butt smells like a tortia chachacha
step 10:say anda hate them
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I am the boy who never finished high school because I got called a fag everyday.
I am the girl who was kicked out of her halaman awal because I confided in my mother I was a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because no one will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who held her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled night.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in a hospital because they would not let my partner of 27 years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the...
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posted by akatsuki_lover9
Chapter 1


It was late afternoon. Flamingleap, an jeruk, orange api elemental dragon, was hunting for the tribe, with no luck. He'd been hunting since dawn and caught nothing. Snow crunched beneath his big feet. Just when he was ready to give up he heard the screech of an eagle. He jerked his head up. The eagle was only a few feet from his face and it was the size of his head. It would feed a few naga if it was membagi, split equally. Flamingleap reached and snapped his jaws on the eagle's wing. It flapped in a desperate attempt to escape. Flamingleap jerked his head, killing the eagle. “the clan will...
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 Our current Cover. I've been working on a new one.
Our current Cover. I've been working on a new one.
So wassup everybody? Listen, There's this club called acak anime RP forums. Me and some other fanpoppers got one hell of a story going on and if you're looking for some good reading, it's there. Action, comedy, romance, drama, vampires, and even zombie soul reapers! You'll find anime characters from Hell Girl, Inuyasha, Pokemon, Bleach, Rozen Maiden, Pandora Hearts, Black Butler, and many more. Hell, we even got Mortal Kombat in there. And during one story arch I even added Freddy Kruger. I couldn't help it. Dream Eater Merry VS Freddy... C'mon! Anywho, check it out if you're interested. The first 3 parts are diposting on anime club but we got the link in ours. We've been keeping this RP going for close to 11 months so far. So hell byob, atau whatever ya drink and come help us celebrate our first anniversary. hehe XD Cy-beer... lol... sorry. Anywho, I think our story kicks pantat, keledai and if anda cinta anime and good story telling, I think anda will too. Peace! and um, see ya there hopefully
hahahhahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahajahahajahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha u r so stupid if u no like justn beber atau one directin they have beter ears than keith harkin and if u had good ears u o wood b listning to rabit food r u mad wel dont say i didnt warn u freak my life is complete cuz am marryed 2 jb nd icarly is my best fend hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahajaha that wat u get 4 ben mena 2 me hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahajahahajahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahauahahahtahahauauhagaiahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahahhahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahajahahahahahahahajahajahajahajajajahahahahahahajahahahajahahhahahahahahahahaha
1 = Tap your pencil continuously on your meja tulis, meja atau forehead.

2 = If anda have long hair, flip it in someones face.

3 = Keep on shifting your chair.

4 = Keep on whispering Hi.

5 = Tell them after class "They know now". Trust me it scares them.

6 = Ask them where they live..

7 = Ask them if they watch America's selanjutnya puncak, atas Model every day.

8 = Ask them every hari to sit selanjutnya to them at lunch, but at lunch say anda were just kidding.

9 = Have a sleepover with them and do nothing.

10 = Ask them if KFC serves pizza every Friday.

11 = Poke them in the back if they won't move.

12 = Say "I like your hair" in a creepy way.

13 = Ask them if they have ever been drunk.

14 = Ask if they are on Myspace. If they are, then say they have no life.
posted by chillyneon
I'm sorry if one of these shows are still one of your favorit it's my opinion not yours :P

1 = Icarly
2 = Victorious
3 = How To Rock
4 = Degrassi
5 = Team UmiZoomi
6 = Dora The Explorer
7 = Big Time Rush
8 = So Random
9 = A.N.T farm
10 = Hanna Motanna
11 = Secret Mountain Fort Awesome
12 = Pair Of Kings (some episodes)
13 = Bucket And Skinner
14 = Dance Academy

Sorry if anda like any of these shows. I just dont like them!!! It's my opinion, MINE.

Here are some acak words to make my artikel longer
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Are there even true friendship until now?
oleh Secret Irken Invader Eve

Friendship. It is a word that is ALMOST a myth.

Friendship starts with a friend.
A friend gives anda happiness and loyalty.
A friend is meant to make a promise.
A promise which is that he atau she will never turn his atau her back on you...... atau betray you.

But that friend suddenly breaks that promise.
Turns its back on anda and stick its self to greed.

anda cannot trust so much in this type of timeline.
anda can never again.

He/she will leave anda disappointed and let anda down.

Why should anda look for someone else like He is not enough.
He who created you,
Loved you,
Cared for you.

Why look for somebody else
When anda have God with his cinta all wrapped around you.
Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the judul - Blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where anda need a torch - A burglar

Name a dangerous race - The Arabs

Name an item of clothing worn oleh the 3 musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something anda wear on the pantai - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

A number anda have to memorize - 7

Something anda do before going to tempat tidur - Sleep

Something anda put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green...
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The End Of Everything, The End Of Apolla
Song-Fic. Song: Lights oleh Ellie Goulding, The BassNectar Remix


Late in the evening, around 9:30 p.m., 12 tahun old Apolla Falconer awoke with a start. Everything around her was pitch black, all except from the jeruk, orange jalan, street lights, who's beams came faintly through the blinded windows. Apolla quickly raised her head from the cold, sticky surface it was on. With her incredible night- vision, she found out that the surface was a meja tulis, meja from her school. Apolla looked around even lebih and saw that she was in her own classroom, in fact. "Why the 'ell am I in...
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