Chapter Twenty-One

*Julian*

"He called again," Kerri tells me the detik I walk oleh her desk, she gets up and follows me, a folder in her hand. I keep my back to her and my guard up, the tightening in my jaw is the only outer sign how much her words affect me, instead I strut into my office and over to my chair, "keep telling him I'm busy"

With my back still to her I can feel her eyes staring at me, she sighs loudly, yes that is disapproval I hear. Pretending to be searching for a book on the shelf behind my meja tulis, meja I don't turn around, neither do I hear Kerri leaving my office.

"Problem?" I ask slightly turning towards her, enough to see through the corner of my eye she's holding the folder oleh her hip.

Her heels are tapping on the wooden floors, "your father-"

I laugh.

"-Is not going to just go away"

"History proves different" I say slowly, it comes out almost like a whistle, closing the book I hadn't even noticed I opened I slipped it back into its place and turned around lebih composed, "so did he leave another message?"

"The same as the last...oh… four, he wants anda to call him" and Kerri's lips suddenly disappeared, she shakes her head at me, "Julian, please, just do something about it because I can't keep holding him off"

"I can't help being busy, I have a very time consuming job" and my mind goes back to my childhood, hell, my whole relationship with my father, when he was too busy to find time for me.

Not now Julian, I am a very busy man, later. His voice comes back to me, he always told the truth in one respect, he was a busy man, and lied in the other – later never came.

Lifting my brow I make sure my voice is uncaring with a hint of humour, "anything else?"

Taking a few steps meneruskan, ke depan Kerri throw the files onto my desk, "the paper work anda requested" and spins around.

"Kerri?"

She stops and slowly turns, "yes, Julian"

"Can anda get me Arthur Belmont's number and a coffee" and I know there's lebih bite in my tone that usual but talk of my father always puts me on edge, I stopped looking for his approval when I left the movie business and I haven't looked back since. I got plain sick and tired of waiting for that later, I had to grow up and realise our relationship was never going to be what I wanted. And now I have no problem forcing him to wait in the wings where he'd put me for so long.

With a nod she quickly leaves my office, closing the door with lebih force than needed, I let go of a tense breath and let it go. Sitting down in my chair I allow my shoulders to sag as I rest my elbows onto the desk.

Let him wait, let him wonder, let him beg. I am no longer that curly haired kid searching for warmth in cold eyes, and just hearing his name, just thinking about him, brings back way too many memories. I know I'm trying to convince myself lebih than anyone else that he doesn't matter anymore.

The door to my office opening abruptly interrupts my thoughts and my head snaps up "Kerri, what have-" and I stop, my mouth hanging open.

Sam breezes into the room, looking like she's done this a million times before as she wears that smart pantat, keledai smirk bordering into a grin and holding a coffee in each hand.

I quickly close my mouth, how charming I must look, and run a hand through my messy hair, did I shave this morning? Julian, my mind screams as if some invisible conscience is rolling its eyes at me.

"For you" Sam places one Styrofoam cup in front of me before taking one of the opposite seats and putting down her own, she leans back into the chair, crosses her legs and smoothes a jaket onto her lap, I quickly tear my eyes away from her all too aware that I was close to staring.

"What are anda doing here?"

"I owed anda a coffee" she balasa offhand and then something plops selanjutnya to me and I look up again, my jaket is now in front of me and her lap is bare. The jaket I'd left at her place the night before, I gulp. Not knowing exactly what I'm acknowledging I say "thank you"

"Your welcome" she balasa and the room becomes silent.

I can't look at her, not because I don't want to but because I do want to. The guilt eats away inside me, "about last night-" I begin but she cuts in.

"Forget it" Sam says quickly and then she's getting up and leaving just as suddenly as she appeared.

I push my chair back and stand, "Sam!" I call out before I even know what I'm going to say and when she looks back patiently for lebih I'm at a loss.

Don't go, I want to say those two words, I want to tell her to stay but I can't so I say nothing, the detik tick oleh and I know she's growing impatient, so I quickly glance around until my eyes fall to the coffee she'd brought me, "is that all anda came for?" I ask.

Then I look back up, shadows are under her eyes and I wonder if she had trouble sleeping too. For a long moment we just look at each other neither of us blinking and then she narrows her eyes sadly, "what else is there" and turns back around and walks out of the office. I continue to stand there, motionless, long after she leaves.

And I can't help but think her answer was just another question, one I'm not ready to answer.

Because there is only one thing I could say, more. There's lebih and we both know I'm not willing to admit that.

….

The hari had started quiet, a small court appearance in the morning, some paperwork with a few appointments thrown in to keep me busy leading up to the afternoon, and I was grateful for any distraction that kept my mind away from Sam and her earlier visit. Kerri isn't happy with me, the way she says 'Mr Baker' is telling enough, she thinks I am becoming heartless but I ignore her colder attitude and keep my mind on my work and every time the phone rings I pause for a second.

When I return from my business lunch I can't help but notice how frantic Kerri looks while she handles the phone, while I stand ignored oleh her I watch her handle three phone calls in the same way. Right after the other, each time she listens and then gives an apology stating I am out of the office and unable to comment. Just as the phone rings a fourth time I step directly in front of her, looking right at me Kerri tells the caller that I'm unavailable.

"Who is it?" I mouth.

She hangs up and sighs, she looks lebih frazzled then I have ever seen her, "it's been crazy, completely crazy" and she sends me a pleading look when the phone starts to ring again, "there's been news stations, radio stations, reporters of all kind, one after the other!" her arms fly into the air.

"Abby?" I immediately ask and I can't stop the worrying from overtaking me, I barely know the girl but I find myself invested in her life. I made myself a promise, I'm going to help Abby if it's the last thing I do. Pointing at Kerri I walk backwards towards my office door, "just keep doing what you're doing, keep saying no comment" and she nods before picking up the still ringing phone.

My quiet hari has just had the volume turned up.

It continues like this for the selanjutnya hour, from my office it's a dull buzzing as I go through another appointment, when I lead my client out I stop oleh the reception meja tulis, meja as Kerri hangs up from another phone call, it rings straight away and she sighs. The anger inside me boils up and I reach over and grab the phone before Kerri cam, bring it to my ear I give a curt "fuck off!" the swear word slipping from between my lips as if I use it everyday which couldn't be further from the truth.

There is a brief pause and then the breathing on the other side stops and a raspy voice comes over "uh… okay… sorry" sounding confused and taken back.

"Brooke?" I turn my back to Kerri, "don't hang up. I apologise, I thought anda were someone else"

"You sure?" she still sounds confused, it is not like I have been very welcoming to her, atau her me for that matter.

"Yes" and I'm also curious to know why she called, "was there something anda needed?" it is my turn to be confused.

Brooke goes silent for a while and I know she's nervous when she finally speaks again, "actually… look, don't wor-ah-it's about Sam"

"Sam?" do I sound guilty? I send Kerri a quick glance but she's just staring at me with her normal curious expression, I smile awkwardly, "what bout her?" I ask Brooke while I loosen my shirt. Kerri's eyes narrow so I turn my back on her again.

God, did Sam say something?

"Is there any chance anda have her number?" Brooke instead asks and I am so relieved that she's not about to give me a lecture. I quickly give Brooke the information and the conversation ends.

It's not until I'm back in my office that I go over the phone call in my head and am shocked to realise how we had so little to say to each other. Is that all we have become to each other, after what we went through all those years ago? And then it hits me how the pain I had connected with Brooke had been absent from the quick phone call. The anger hadn't been there, atau the regrets, there had been no memories, no anguish, no flashes of insecurity, it was as if I'd completely forgotten that at one point she'd been the most important person in my life.

It feels strange, for some reason I feel lighter.

And then I remember her daughter, Abby with her face that is an echo of her mothers, that same vulnerability in the eyes, that same fearless determination as she wears her jantung on her sleeve.

If there is one thing I can't forget, it is the reason why Sam and Brooke are both back in my life. This case. So I put the two women from my past temporarily at the back of my mind and continue my job.

…

"There has to be a precedent" the muttered words fill the room, time has slipped oleh me and I grow lebih frustrated, rubbing my eyes I lean back and the clock grabs my attention. When did it get so late?

The sky is growing darker outside and there is no light shining from the bottom of the door, I can't remember how long yang lalu Kerri left but the coffee she last gave me is cold.

From behind the door there is a shuffle of feet, "Kerri?" I call out, standing, perhaps she didn't leave. I stand up, "you there because I could really use another coffee, do anda want me to grab anda one" I'm walking towards the door but before my hand reaches the doorknob its gone from under me and I side step to avoid being hit oleh the door as it opens.

"Hello son"

My jantung stops. It has been nearly two years since we've stood across from each other and I'm not prepared for this.

"Dad" I say, gulping. I expect him to give me his cursory look over where he judges me lacking in someway but instead he continues to look at my face, I am surprised about how old he looks, his grey hair is no longer the salt and pepper silver and black, the dark grey is now mostly white, his eyes appear paler, his cheeks sag and his slim body is now just skinny. He no longer looks formidable; he looks like an old man tired and weak.

"You look good", he says as his eyes soak me in without moving from my face. I can't reply. Finally he looks behind me, "may I come in?"

"I was just about to leave" I say quickly and block his way, something flashes in his eyes, I refuse to believe it was pain, "what are anda doing here?" anger hovers in my voice.

I can't mistake the sadness that now takes over his expression, "I wanted to see my son, it has been too long"

"That has never bothered anda before" I spit out and step meneruskan, ke depan forcing him out of my office. One light sends a small jeruk, orange glow out strong enough that we can see each other clearly, "again, what are anda doing here?"

"What choice did I have, anda refuse my calls-"

"I've been busy"

My father just looks at me for a moment and the lie hovers between us, he sighs, "I'm sorry"

"That's nice, mind explaining why anda are apologizing because I'm telling anda this 'emotion' thing anda are trying, it doesn't suit you" I spit back after a slight pause. What is going on?

Again that flash appears in his eyes, I've never seen my father like this, so humble. Paul Norris didn't tampil weakness, atau emotion, he sure as hell didn't play the role of humble father.

He goes to touch me and I step back, his hand falls to his side and then he begins to speak, "I'm sorry for all the times I berkata I was too busy, I'm sorry I missed out on your childhood, for pushing anda so far away anda stopped wanting to get close, most of all I'm sorry I never told anda how I felt-"

Unable to process what is happening I grasp to make sense of the situation "Are anda dying?" I ask harshly.

"No" he says in disbelief and his whole body seems to straighten up, finally I see something of the father I know, "then what is this scene for because it sounds oddly like the last scene of the movie where the neglectful father pours out his jantung and is forgiven just before he dies"

"I assure anda I am not dying" he takes a breathe, "though recently I have discovered something that has made me rethink a lot of my choices, including how I've treated you, believe me Julian when I say I never intended to be the type of father I was… am…"

Protecting my jantung I smile, "great, now anda can go knowing anda berkata what anda had to" and I start to walk around my father, thankful that my keys and wallet are in the jaket I'm wearing. I'm not really caring about the fact I left my office light on and my meja tulis, meja a mess.

His voice stops me, "I cinta you, son"

In all my years I've never heard those words from the man who fathered me, again I freeze, unable to pindah I can't turn around.

"I never berkata those words to anda enough, atau how proud I am about everything you've achieved and for that I am most sorry"

anda never berkata them at all! I want to say, I don't. Not too long yang lalu I would have killed to hear his approval, cinta and pride in me, now I feel like they are empty words spoken too late.

Looking down at my feet I speak back without turning, "and why the sudden need to share this now?"

If he wasn't dying what could drive my father to seek me out like this, out of all the things I imagined I never expected what he says next.

…

Just before seven I find myself at Sam's door again, this time with a pizza balanced in one hand and a four pack of bir under the other arm. She jawaban almost straight away and her smile is hesitant, "Julian?"

"I owed anda a beer" I hold up the bottles and her expression softens, she opens the door wider and steps aside. It still has that homey feeling to it and smells delicious, I see the pot on the stove and grimace, I don't even need to say anything, Sam turns the stove off, covers the pots and her eyes sparkle when she looks at me, "I can reheat"

"You don't have to" I shake my head, put the beers down on the coffee meja and turn around, "maybe I shouldn't have come"

"Why did you?" her voice makes me turn back.

Because I was feeling lost and for some reason I needed to come here to make sense of things, though now I am once again standing inside her halaman awal things are just as confusing, "I don't know" I tell her.

"I cinta pizza" she smiles and walks back around, she's still wearing her kemeja from earlier but her jaket is missing and she's wearing a pair of boxers instead. I look away and hold out the box "I hope it's still your favourite"

Sam takes the pizza and sneaks a peek before placing it onto the coffee meja as well, "Elle, dinners ready" she calls out loudly. Little feet start pounding down the hallway and a moment later Elena stops in the doorway; she looks at Sam and then me, "hello"

"Elena, this is my friend Julian, he's bought us dinner-" before Sam can finish Elena runs over to us, "PIZZA! I cinta pizza" the little girl squeals and grabs a piece.

We both chuckle at her glee. Sam kinks her brow "now anda have to stay" and quickly takes a kursi on the couch. The same dipan, sofa from the night before, I stand in the same spot for a detik and then slowly sit down as well. It surprised me how not awkward it all was as the three of us sat down and casually ate dinner.

Elena keeps us laughing and then moans in complaint when Sam tells her its time for her bath, "oh man, do I got to?"

"Yes" Sam pokes out her tongue and leaves us to go run the bath, as she walks off she calls out "and its have to, not got to"

Still munching on a piece of crust Elena eyes me above her food, "are anda Mom's new boyfriend?" and then brushes the crumbs away from her mouth before taking a sip of her juice.

I almost choke, "we're old friends"

"How come I never saw anda before?" her eyes narrow.

I lean forward, "you saw me last night" I point out and the little girl huffs and rolls her eyes.

"Right" Sam walks back into the room clapping her hands, "nearly ready, come on li'l bit"

Jumping up Elena almost spills her jus but I pindah it out of the way, she bounces over to her mother and Sam picks her up, over Sam's shoulder Elena gives me a hard look "don't go, anda promised to tell me about the movie biz"

"I'll stay right here", I promise and the two of them vanish.

Alone I get up and wander over to the stereo and change the CD, soon Sam comes back "you done already?" I ask.

"She likes to remind me she's a big girl now" Sam tells me and walks closer, she turns the volume up slightly and our close proximity starts to make me feel a little too warm, I take a step back. Sam watches me carefully, "you want to tell me why anda really came over?" and she looks at me as if she can see right through me.

Looking down at my feet I frown, "ever feel like it just gets too much?"

"All the time" she laughs, "that's life"

"I found out something today and it changes things, I don't want it to but it does and now… I don't know" I look up and she's watching me with sympathy, her soft face beckons me closer. Sam reaches out a hand and places it on my shoulder, as we stare at each other her hand slides down my arm.

She blinks, those brown orbs watching me carefully, "whatever it is, and it's going to be okay"

And I find myself trusting her; I think in this moment I would believe anything she says.

I take another step closer, the gap between us all but disappearing, and I know the detik her breath catches and then the moment is gone.

Elena's voice comes screaming towards us, "I'm ready!" and Sam quickly pulls away from me, brushes her hair behind her ear and looks away, "I better go to her" she says and quickly walks off. I look at the stereo and notice that we're up to the fourth song.

…

I've never been seen Sam so skittish before but when Elle comes out to say goodnight Sam doesn't meet my eye and when her daughter takes my hand and demands I read her a bedtime story Sam blushes and follows behind us.

It is odd, strange… different, a million words could describe the feelings flowing inside me but as weird as it may feel it somehow feels right. There's a comfort to the warmth of the situation, while I read Elena her story and she looks at me from sleepy eyes with Sam standing just behind her. I can feel her smile, I can feel her jantung from where I am. It's disconcerting yet it fits. It feels like a family, I've never had this I realise as I get to the end and pause on that last sentence before membaca it aloud, "and they live happily ever after" and as I say them Elena whispers them and her eyes open is a sudden moment of awareness. She smiles and I smile back. I envy this child.

Sam breaks the moment and leans meneruskan, ke depan to ciuman Elena and as she stand back up she takes the book from my hand and puts it back, "goodnight, Elle"

"Night, Mom"

And then the girl sits up and I find myself being hugged, I'm Frozen and then slowly I membungkus, bungkus my much larger arms around her small body that smells like strawberries. A warm feeling slides down my body, a protectiveness, something that cries mine. Then she places a wet ciuman on my cheek "Night, Julian" and lies back down, her eyes screwed shut.

Sam switches the lamp off and takes my hand forcing me to get up, like a zombie I leave the room with her, "I…uh-" the words fall form my lips, her hand still holds mine and she turns to look at me when we are finally back in the living room and those words, that thought, whatever it was, they fade away. My jantung skips a beat then thumps inside my chest so loudly I think she must surely be able to hear it, my arm tingles from where she touches me, it is like a drum call, getting louder and louder. And there it is again, crawling its way into my mind and my heart.

Mine.

Something in her eyes seems to recognise it, she mouth parts and a for a moment she looks terrified, Sam lets go of me and takes three quick steps backwards, "Julian" she whispers.

It sounds like a promise to me, a caress of the soul.

Mine.

That same fear from last night comes to me only ten times worse, I want to close my eyes and run away but I can't. It is like watching a car accident, I can see it happening, can already hear the collision, feel the pain, but I can't look away. I can't swerve.

Then like a car beeping uts horn the ring of my phone brings my attention back into focus, back to the real world. Sam's gaze darkens and she doesn't break eye contact as I cari desperately for my phone to answer it.

"Hello?"

The only answer I get is heavy breathing, "hello?" I ask again and this time I hear tears, "who is this?"

"I can't do it" I don't understand the reply, the words are so broken, so quiet, they make no sense at first but I can just make them out the detik time.

Looking at Sam I frown, "Abby?" I ask and Sam quickly comes to my side, "slow down" I instruct as the girl's rambling gets worse.

"What do anda mean anda can't do it?"

"I don't want to, make it stop, just make it STOP!"

My head can't get around it, it is all too much too fast, "breathe Abby, just breathe… look, I'm coming now, I'll be at your place soon and we can talk about it but I need anda to calm down"

Sam is looking lebih and lebih worried.

Over the line Abby seems to completely change, attitude fills her voice when she flings out a stern "NO!" and then that same brokenness comes back, "you can't come here, they can't find out. Please, just make it stop, just stop it, I can't lose him, I can't, I know I'm selfish but I can't" and the rambling returns.

"You are not selfish" I tell her but she keeps on talking, keeps on telling me I can't go to her but I'm already at the door, I'm already running down the steps to my car, my keys are out, "I'm on my way" I tell her.

Behind me Sam still follows my movements and every word I say, I unlock the door and slide into the drivers seat, Sam holds the door open so I can't shut it and looks at me as she waits.

Abby is still rambling but it sounds like she's finally coming to her senses, I can hear someone in the background telling her to calm down, telling her to not give up, the words are a blur and the voice is one I don't know, but then I hear Abby "no…you can't come hear, aren't anda listening, they can never find out, it will kill them, please, just forget this" and then she's gone and there's a click as she hangs up. I stare at the screen for a moment and then drop my phone onto the kursi selanjutnya to me.

"What was that?" Sam asks.

Still confused U just shake my head, "I don't know" I can't hold onto any of the ideas that run through my mind and looking at Sam reminds me once again of Abby, and the laws that stand between us all. I can't talk to Sam about this case, not like this, "I have to go" I say instead.

She nods in understanding and shuts the door for me.

The whole way halaman awal Abby is on my mind, every moment we've spent together flashes in my mind, every word, every look, it comes back. I knew she had doubts, I had known it from the beginning but she kept saying this is what she wanted.

Stop. The command spreads through my body and I pull over to the side of the road and think it over.

I'm suddenly back in the Scott house and I hear Sam asking Abby if it is still what she wants, and my mind replays Abby's response.

"I haven't changed my mind"
And then I go back to that first meeting, not the words, but the glimpse I caught of her before the elevator whisked her away. For a girl who is supposedly getting what she wanted Abby doesn't seem happy. That had crossed my mind then and it crosses my mind now. When has Abby berkata straight out she wanted this case? I go over everything again and the answer stares straight at me. She dodged it every single time anyone asked her, she always answered but never with a real answer. Never a yes, never a no, accept on the phone.

"I don't want to"

Abby Scott has been almost a puppet her whole life. I thought she was finally making a stand and I had wanted to help her, now I wonder instead just who is pulling the strings this time.