When we run, it doesn’t quite feel like running. It feels lebih like falling, running so fast that the wind makes my hair whip around my face and whistles in my ears just makes me feel like I couldn’t possibly be stopped. Like the fall will never end. Sam is the leader, turning us every which way until we end up on the outskirts of town. The air is fresher and the rumput is greener here. We run until it’s just endless road and fields in front of us and then finally our foot-falls slow, and we veer off the pavement into the shade of a huge oak tree. The tree, being so massive, hides us completely so that no one can see us for at least a hundred meters from the road. We collapse against the trunk, against each other, breathing hard and fast. In the silence, we let the calm of the soft breeze and matte sky lull us into the closest thing to feeling aman, brankas after what we’d just run away from.
After what could have been detik atau minutes, I look down only to find Sam and my hands still clasped together. When I look up from our hands to his face, I see him already looking back at me. So many emotions flash across his eyes, darkening his features, and it’s exhausting to try to experience them all just for a detik to get closer to his true feelings. Pain, anger, hopelessness, stress, concern, all torturing his features until he crumples meneruskan, ke depan and is sick a few feet away. I reach over to put my hand on his back, to rub it in slow circles like my mom always does when I’m sick, as he groans and retches. A sadness like no other washes over me and for a second, I’m scared that I’m going to be sick right there beside him. It’s only for a detik that I allow myself to think this because now is not the time to fall apart. I know that if I fall to pieces now, there will just be too much to put back together and Sam needs me to put him back together. “Oh Sam” I say quietly but reassuringly, because if I can do anything for him, I can let him know that he’s not alone. “I just want it to be over. I want it all to end.” He says defeatedly. It breaks my jantung to hear him so helpless. “its too soon,” I say, “think of everything anda would miss in life if it ended here and now.” I try to reason “And what would I be missing?!” he yells and his voice breaks and he finally looks at me, “Another beating? Another night that I tell my brother itll all be ok when I don’t even believe it? Another chance for someone to tell me that im not good enough?!” each word he screams is like a slap in the face, but instead of shying away from his tone, I match it, “If anda were gone, tyler would be alone! Actually he would be stuck in this life with that man, which, I suppose, is worse than being alone! Youll miss out on the freedom that comes after this school and this town. Youll miss out on all the people youll meet and cinta and all the places youll see and experience.” I lean in closer and put both my hands on his cheeks and plead with my eyes as hard as I can, “You’ll miss out on everything anda ever wanted, and don’t even tell me theres nothing anda want because everyone in the world wants things sam, the things we need, food, water, they keep us alive, but when we get the things we want, safety, understanding, that’s when we really feel alive.”
After what could have been detik atau minutes, I look down only to find Sam and my hands still clasped together. When I look up from our hands to his face, I see him already looking back at me. So many emotions flash across his eyes, darkening his features, and it’s exhausting to try to experience them all just for a detik to get closer to his true feelings. Pain, anger, hopelessness, stress, concern, all torturing his features until he crumples meneruskan, ke depan and is sick a few feet away. I reach over to put my hand on his back, to rub it in slow circles like my mom always does when I’m sick, as he groans and retches. A sadness like no other washes over me and for a second, I’m scared that I’m going to be sick right there beside him. It’s only for a detik that I allow myself to think this because now is not the time to fall apart. I know that if I fall to pieces now, there will just be too much to put back together and Sam needs me to put him back together. “Oh Sam” I say quietly but reassuringly, because if I can do anything for him, I can let him know that he’s not alone. “I just want it to be over. I want it all to end.” He says defeatedly. It breaks my jantung to hear him so helpless. “its too soon,” I say, “think of everything anda would miss in life if it ended here and now.” I try to reason “And what would I be missing?!” he yells and his voice breaks and he finally looks at me, “Another beating? Another night that I tell my brother itll all be ok when I don’t even believe it? Another chance for someone to tell me that im not good enough?!” each word he screams is like a slap in the face, but instead of shying away from his tone, I match it, “If anda were gone, tyler would be alone! Actually he would be stuck in this life with that man, which, I suppose, is worse than being alone! Youll miss out on the freedom that comes after this school and this town. Youll miss out on all the people youll meet and cinta and all the places youll see and experience.” I lean in closer and put both my hands on his cheeks and plead with my eyes as hard as I can, “You’ll miss out on everything anda ever wanted, and don’t even tell me theres nothing anda want because everyone in the world wants things sam, the things we need, food, water, they keep us alive, but when we get the things we want, safety, understanding, that’s when we really feel alive.”
