-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when anda speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! anda aren’t supposed to reply when I tell anda about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: anda were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t anda use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is lebih dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let anda see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: anda won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from anda a tahun ago! If anda are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: anda can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to tampil you.
Bella: Why won’t anda sleep with me?! Do anda hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The selanjutnya day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! anda just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did anda do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car oleh tomorrow, though, atau else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If anda don’t want me to stalk anda tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer atau not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The selanjutnya hari at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But anda don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: anda want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The penulis of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic atau witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: anda sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while anda go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: anda have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if anda wanna get laid I don’t want to see anda as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help anda get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told anda were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who berkata that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if anda ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn anda and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going halaman awal now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him oleh being with anda so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: hey Eddie!
Edward: Did anda give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: anda got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. anda can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The selanjutnya day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! anda keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over anda for the selanjutnya couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR emo AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN anda NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One jam later-
Rosalie: hey Bella! Just came in here to tell anda why I would rather choke kittens and then eat their flesh before making anda officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if anda pitied me anda would feel bad and do things my way. Do anda sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: oleh asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. vampire can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill anda before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The selanjutnya night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from natal Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The selanjutnya day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. atau the Easter Bunny.
Bella: atau the Volturi. atau an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want anda to choose me. I cinta you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, anda do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make anda cinta me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape anda yet, god. anda have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t anda be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take anda halaman awal now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz atau someone else who could give anda all the answers?
Alice: No. anda look lebih like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess anda should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on emo boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save anda from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to serigala boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: hey Bella! I got anda a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! anda -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a serigala on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that anda –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do anda have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something anda have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! anda are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn vampire coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn vampire coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: anda don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what anda think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of pisau fights before, I have the most experience fighting than anda lame pantat, keledai pacifists. So, I’ll teach anda guys how to pisau our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! anda JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. tampil us how to go all second-hand emo on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: hey Bella? Will anda marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do anda do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts oleh the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out oleh banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five menit later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: atau at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: anda can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in cinta with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my jantung flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, anda know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can anda give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: hey Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! anda have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! anda make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those sebelumnya .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: anda need to ciuman me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have anda seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did anda see those muscles? Wait, are anda gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He berkata the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 menit later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would anda know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I berkata never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for anda to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. anda know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes anda are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? anda agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because anda are in cinta with another man while anda are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know anda are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in cinta with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do anda hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because anda are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and oleh the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five menit later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did anda pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan atau something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do anda understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: hey Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force anda into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think anda want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when anda speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! anda aren’t supposed to reply when I tell anda about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: anda were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t anda use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is lebih dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let anda see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: anda won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from anda a tahun ago! If anda are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: anda can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to tampil you.
Bella: Why won’t anda sleep with me?! Do anda hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The selanjutnya day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! anda just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did anda do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car oleh tomorrow, though, atau else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If anda don’t want me to stalk anda tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer atau not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The selanjutnya hari at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But anda don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: anda want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The penulis of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic atau witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: anda sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while anda go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: anda have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if anda wanna get laid I don’t want to see anda as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help anda get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told anda were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who berkata that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if anda ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn anda and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going halaman awal now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him oleh being with anda so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: hey Eddie!
Edward: Did anda give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: anda got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. anda can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The selanjutnya day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! anda keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over anda for the selanjutnya couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR emo AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN anda NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One jam later-
Rosalie: hey Bella! Just came in here to tell anda why I would rather choke kittens and then eat their flesh before making anda officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if anda pitied me anda would feel bad and do things my way. Do anda sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: oleh asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. vampire can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill anda before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The selanjutnya night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from natal Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The selanjutnya day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. atau the Easter Bunny.
Bella: atau the Volturi. atau an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want anda to choose me. I cinta you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, anda do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make anda cinta me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape anda yet, god. anda have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t anda be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take anda halaman awal now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz atau someone else who could give anda all the answers?
Alice: No. anda look lebih like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess anda should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on emo boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save anda from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to serigala boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: hey Bella! I got anda a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! anda -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a serigala on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that anda –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do anda have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something anda have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! anda are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn vampire coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn vampire coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: anda don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what anda think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of pisau fights before, I have the most experience fighting than anda lame pantat, keledai pacifists. So, I’ll teach anda guys how to pisau our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! anda JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. tampil us how to go all second-hand emo on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: hey Bella? Will anda marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do anda do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts oleh the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out oleh banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five menit later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: atau at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: anda can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in cinta with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my jantung flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, anda know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can anda give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: hey Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! anda have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! anda make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those sebelumnya .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: anda need to ciuman me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have anda seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did anda see those muscles? Wait, are anda gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He berkata the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 menit later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would anda know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I berkata never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for anda to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. anda know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes anda are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? anda agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because anda are in cinta with another man while anda are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know anda are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in cinta with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do anda hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because anda are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and oleh the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five menit later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did anda pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan atau something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do anda understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: hey Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force anda into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think anda want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
