'Reign' recap: 'Leaps of Faith' 

To dream the impossible dream! This line played over and over again in my head while Queen Mary contemplated leaving behind her royal life to retire quietly into the English countryside. Dream on, girl. And that’s not just because history is life’s greatest spoiler, yada, yada. History aside,

Reign’s Mary Stuart has never been destined for a tiny life with a happy ending. No amount of riverside hookups can change that.

How does Mary get it in her head that she could possibly live happily ever after? Gideon, of course. That romantic is such a dummy.

Both Mary and Elizabeth are extremely preoccupied as to the whereabouts of Lord Darnley. Mary is entertaining other suitors — what a great callback to have Prince Magnus around — to force Darnley’s hand, while Elizabeth is fuming over the fact that her money never made it to Lord White. Meanwhile, Darnley is on his way up to Scotland to appease his mother. He tells his One True Love Kira that he’ll be back in no time, and they’ll find a way to marry. Darnley is very, very wrong.

Since Elizabeth’s plan to take Darnley out of the running for Mary’s husband has failed, Gideon offers up another option: Let him marry the Queen of Scots. Gideon must think pretty highly of himself if he believes he could bring peace to two warring countries, each with power-hungry queens, simply with his prowess as a husband. Like, if I’m giving up all my worldly power to marry “for love” there best be breakfast in bed three times a week and some guarantee that said husband will remove and install my air conditioning window unit bi-annually. That’s the point of husbands, right?

Here is Gideon’s big idea: Mary loves Gideon. She could marry him, a commoner, and in doing so would have to abdicate from the Scottish throne, which would greatly decrease her claim to the English throne. A gracious Elizabeth would provide an allowance and lands in England for Mary and Gideon to live out their days and make their first-born son the heir to her throne. It’s a win-win. No more fighting between Scotland and England, Elizabeth gets people off her back for never wanting to marry and procreate, and Mary gets to live a life of love and happiness.

FAT CHANCE, PEOPLE. Once Gideon arrives in Scotland — he and Mary are so happy to see each other, it is very cute — any person who hears this plan is basically like, “um…I have notes.”

Mary, of course, is worried about the safety of her people. What if she abdicates, installs James as regent until her son one day unites the two countries, and Elizabeth swoops in and murders the hell out of everyone who opposes her? Gideon assures her peace is in Elizabeth’s best interest, and besides, Scotland would never stand for it.

That, plus Gideon reminding Mary of how hot she is for him via a surprise bedding on the river at night is enough to reassure Mary of her man’s plan. She could be into a fairy-tale ending.

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