What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

It's a bit lame, but I had to start the ball rolling.

XD I get it, it's kinda of funny

ok 7


what about this one, A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.

She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.

He gets out his light and says, "Open wide".

"I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms!"

waaahahahaha very good. I give it a 8/10

Keeping with the dirty medical theme...here's one


A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

Lolwut?! XD
9/10

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him! Dirty, I know. XD

I see we are all very dirty in this club lol... 8/10

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

You have no idea how dirty my mind is. True story. :3

Hahaha. 7/10



Justin Beiber, Lil' Wayne, and Chuck Norris were standing on top of a 100 story building seeing who's dick was longer. Justin Beiber said "Oh I don't have one" and jumped. Lil Wayne's was hangin down 20 stories "Tha's wassup!". And Chuck Norris was standing there moving around like he had a hoola hoop. Lil Wayne asked what he was doing and he said "Dodging Traffic" 

Same here mine is just as dirty!!!!! I've been holding back because I know there are a few younge one's on this site.... Think I need to leave a "Enter at own risk" message on this forum lol

Lol loved the "dodging traffic" line....long shlong...waahahaha 9/10

Because these are short; I've listed 2.


What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

LOL, yeah, I think about perverted stuff all the time, anyway, don't worry about it, say what you feel. I'm a bad influence am I? My uncle told me that. :/

Those are funny. 6/10

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." 
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" 
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". I don't know about this one, it's kinda funny.

Lol I don't think about it...but my mind just jumps to it. Almost everything I say can come out naughty. I'm so glad you are the bad influence this time....you giving me a break lol.

Hey those were funny as hell....6/10 boooo waaahahaha :0) Should have gotten atleast 8/10
And you know "smoking", was smoking as in getting so hot....if a raincoat was worn he'd be burning rubber lmao

I'd tell that arse to iron it himself....4/10


Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !

What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at him.

Meh, I guess they weren't that funny in my opinion. I don't laugh at anything. Don't get me wrong. ;]

Hmm, 5/10


*18 Year old brother and 6 year old brother having conversation* 18 Year old brother: Why are you playing with wrestling figures? Wrestling is soo fake. 6 Year old brother: Yeah so is your girlfriend but you still play with her. 18 Year old brother: *Complete silence* 6 Year old brother: *Thinks in his head* Yeah that's what I thought.

Awww you gotta laugh at the grenade one...

No man Tamara that one was lame 3/10


The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"

Lol I don't think I got the last one! Tamara@ lmao

Wendy, why didn't you post a joke?

I didn't laugh at it. 5/10

Do you speak English? 
Yes 
Name? 
Adolf Bumin 
Sex? 
3 to 5 times a week. 
No, I mean..male/female? 
Yes, male,female and sometimes camels. 
Holy cow! 
Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general. 
Oh dear, 
No, deer runs too fast.

XDDD 10/10

What about this one


A guy took his blonde GF to her first football game and asked her how she liked it ? 'Oh, I really liked it especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, he asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!

lmao crazycake, nice one, 9/10

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.

@ CRAZYCAKE - the quarterback joke was really good lol

@ WENDY99 I've heard this one before, so I think it lost a bit of the funny factor for me. So I'm only gonna give it a 4/10



A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

Oh bummer :(

BAHAHAHA XD SHE'S SO STUPID- 8/10 ok what about this one

A hippie gets on the bus and asks a nun to have sex with him. The nun declines and gets off the bus. The bus driver says that if you want to have sex with her, she will be at the cemetery at midnight so go down there wearing robes and glowing powder. He sees the nun at the cemetery and says he is god, so she must have sex with him. She agrees and after they finish, the hippie rips off his mask and says "Haha, i'm the hippie!" The nun also rips off her mask and says "Haha, i'm the bus driver! XD

LMAO. 9/10, here's a joke.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

pfffffffffffffttt XDD
10/10

ELDERLY MOMENT

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one
says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits
his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: "Aahh, what is the name of
that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

^ 8/10


 Yo' momma's so dumb, during an emergency she dials 911 on the microwave.

XDDDDDD I love yo mama jokes.



There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

XD

Wendy you didn't rate the joke above you? :/

That was funny, dick jokes are always funny 7.5/10


A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

Hehe, that taxi driver. XD

Ok, I forgot, please don't kill me! :S xD

9/10, nice


Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

LOL

7.5/10



Psychology vs. Marketing
 
A shy young guy goes to a bar & sees a beautiful girl sitting alone.
He gathers some courage, goes to her table and asks:
"Would you mind If I sit here beside you?"
She responds loudly: "No! I don't want to spend the night with you!"
Everyone at the bar turns & stares at the guy.
Young guy shocked & embarrassed goes back to his table.
 
After a few minutes that girl slowly walks to him apologizes and says,
"I'm a science student in psychology and studying
 how people respond to embarrassing situations"
 
Guy responds loudly, "What? 3000 $ ?
That's too much for One night!"
Everyone stares at the girl.
And the guy silently whispers to her,
"Don't fuck around with a marketing guy"
 

LMAO 9/10


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she says, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”

LOL I have nothing against blondes, I just find the jokes funny. :)

7/10

Bad Example

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

TAMMY! That joke was so funny XDD 10/10

so i see you like dirty sex jokes? Okay, this one is about sex. lmao.

the joke called "Sign Language"

Bill and Nancy where recently maried but they couldent talk they communicate with sign language.

Nancy tells bill when you feel like having sex grab my left tit, when you don’t feel like having sex grab my right tit.

Then bill tels nancy when you feel like having sex pull my dick once when you don’t feel like having sex pull my dick one hundred times.

XDD

LOL, 7/10

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation. He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"

"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.

"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?"

"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.

"You don't say!" says the America, grinning. "We don't! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that we sell in France."

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Americans do with their used condoms?"

"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.

"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"

FUCK XD 9/10 The American just got pawned.




A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes!, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."