Very funny story!
I don't know which user Amagen is, but I also felt like this was aimed at pre-schooler kids, at least in the beginning. It had a very strong feel of a children's picture book, to me. Thus I imagined Maggie to be 4 or 5 years old, so it was a little strange to read that he wanted her secretly. OK, it wasn't just a little strange; it was creepy, making Prince Edward sound like a child molester. The way he appeared whenever she was in the garden made it seem a bit like he was an imaginary friend, though, which made it a good deal better for me. Given that, it will be really interesting to see how the adults interact with Princess Maggie when her invisible friend Edward tags along to the other castle.
Stuff I particularly liked:
* "Kingdom of Atlantis, not the underwater one" This had me laughing out loud. I can totally see that in a children's book! You should consider continuing that theme of repurposing common names to break reader expectations, such as: "Maggie pet Spot, her pet dog (the kind with a beak)." or "She picked up the book - it was long, sharp and pointy - and turned back to him" or "Maggie explained her reluctance to eat: 'I never eat cake, especially not when the eyes are still in'"
* "Oh, Yipey!" is great, sort of a sarcastic fear response.
* I like that the other castle is new, making it seem like it appeared magically overnight. That reinforces the fairy-tale-like nature of the story very nicely: the castle didn't take decades to build, but is new, specially made for the neighbors to move in.
* Edward's otherworldly aspect. Re-reading the story fragment, I like all the clues you've given that Edward is imaginary: that he appears in the garden only when Maggie is mad, that he is unceasingly kind and gentle, that he always knows when she is upset (because he's only around when she's upset), that he immediately asks when she will be out tomorrow even though she only just appeared. Very clever writing.
Stuff I'd like to see:
* I'd like to see examples of how the animals are kind to Edward. Do they talk in this world? Do they bring him presents, compliment him ("You're looking especially glorious today, sire!"), or what?
* I'm really interested to see who the Walterman is. He sounds like a cool villain, owning the neighbors (who are royalty!). That's really compelling. Or maybe he's not a villain, just different enough to be scary to the little Maggie.
Stuff to improve/watch:
* Gotta watch some of the spelling. While you may have meant the words you wrote, I suspect that for "cloths" you meant "clothes", for "her in my flower garden" I think you meant "here". "Pace" is more difficult; maybe "pass" would work? "When your me" should probably be "when you're me" (very cool double-meaning there, by the way!). Unless Maggie is speaking a foreign language, "Ya" should be "Yeah".
I like this, and want to see more.
I don't know which user Amagen is, but I also felt like this was aimed at pre-schooler kids, at least in the beginning. It had a very strong feel of a children's picture book, to me. Thus I imagined Maggie to be 4 or 5 years old, so it was a little strange to read that he wanted her secretly. OK, it wasn't just a little strange; it was creepy, making Prince Edward sound like a child molester. The way he appeared whenever she was in the garden made it seem a bit like he was an imaginary friend, though, which made it a good deal better for me. Given that, it will be really interesting to see how the adults interact with Princess Maggie when her invisible friend Edward tags along to the other castle.
Stuff I particularly liked:
* "Kingdom of Atlantis, not the underwater one" This had me laughing out loud. I can totally see that in a children's book! You should consider continuing that theme of repurposing common names to break reader expectations, such as: "Maggie pet Spot, her pet dog (the kind with a beak)." or "She picked up the book - it was long, sharp and pointy - and turned back to him" or "Maggie explained her reluctance to eat: 'I never eat cake, especially not when the eyes are still in'"
* "Oh, Yipey!" is great, sort of a sarcastic fear response.
* I like that the other castle is new, making it seem like it appeared magically overnight. That reinforces the fairy-tale-like nature of the story very nicely: the castle didn't take decades to build, but is new, specially made for the neighbors to move in.
* Edward's otherworldly aspect. Re-reading the story fragment, I like all the clues you've given that Edward is imaginary: that he appears in the garden only when Maggie is mad, that he is unceasingly kind and gentle, that he always knows when she is upset (because he's only around when she's upset), that he immediately asks when she will be out tomorrow even though she only just appeared. Very clever writing.
Stuff I'd like to see:
* I'd like to see examples of how the animals are kind to Edward. Do they talk in this world? Do they bring him presents, compliment him ("You're looking especially glorious today, sire!"), or what?
* I'm really interested to see who the Walterman is. He sounds like a cool villain, owning the neighbors (who are royalty!). That's really compelling. Or maybe he's not a villain, just different enough to be scary to the little Maggie.
Stuff to improve/watch:
* Gotta watch some of the spelling. While you may have meant the words you wrote, I suspect that for "cloths" you meant "clothes", for "her in my flower garden" I think you meant "here". "Pace" is more difficult; maybe "pass" would work? "When your me" should probably be "when you're me" (very cool double-meaning there, by the way!). Unless Maggie is speaking a foreign language, "Ya" should be "Yeah".
I like this, and want to see more.
