Harry Potter stories are a bit far fetched....i can buy the fact that magic exists, and also that there may even be unicorns and wizards but a ginger kid with two mates?? Yeah rite!!

Jack and Jill were just married, Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill, try these on. Jill said, they're too big. Exactly Jack replied! I wear the trousers in this marriage and always will. Jill said try my knickers on. Jack said, i'll never get into them. Jill replied, exactly! And if you don't change your attitude you never will!

Just got barred from B&Q! Some guy in an orange apron walked up and asked me if i wanted decking......luckily i got the first punch in!

Who is Jack Schitt you ask?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

Soak it in petrol and set it on fire.

My problem is, I've got two kinds of jokes that don't work here. One kind is too foul, the other is the long, involved story joke, which just doesn't work well here.

OK, here's one:

******************
A man is driving down the street and arrives at an intersection. Looking both ways, he sees no other traffic and so rolls through the intersection without stopping. A police cruiser immediately pulls him over. The officer walks over to the driver and says "Do you know what you did, sir?" The man says "Officer, there weren't any other cars and I did slow down. What's the difference that I didn't stop?" The officer takes off his mirrorshades, spits meditatively, and then says "I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the vehicle, sir." "Wha...why?" "Step out of the vehicle, sir." Reluctantly, the man gets out. Immediately the cop grabs him, savagely slams him down on the ground and begins beating him around the head and shoulders with his club. "Now, sir," the cops pants with exertion, "let me ask you - do you want me to slow down, or to stop?"
******************

See? and even that I turned into a fairly long joke. I got a million of 'em, but they're all long...or dirty. Or both. But I'm enjoying yours.

Hehehe :)

I have the same problem. I have tons of jokes on my mobile but they are too rude to post here.

OK, I've been wracking my brains for shorter jokes that would work here. I thought of another short one, but it's taken me a long time to come back to this spot:

**********
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

**********

LoL- funny

********

a small man walk into a bar but but slips on a puddle of wee, and then gets up.
Then a large man walks into the bar and slips on the same puddle of wee,
the little guy said " i did that "

******************
i'm not very good at telling jokes - hopefully u got it!

How do you keep a dumb blond in suspence?

**************


I'll tell you next week.

A woman in a jewellers breaks wind whilst bending over to look at a beautiful diamond ring. She looks around, embarrassed, and sees the salesman standing right behind her. Totally professional, he says, 'good day madam, how may i help?' Hoping he maybe hadnt heard her 'accident' she asks, 'sir, whats the price of this lovely ring?' He answers, 'madam, if you farted just looking at it your gonna shit yourself when i tell you the price!' :)

An elderly man is on his deathbed. Although he can feel the end is near his senses are suddenly aroused by a wonderful aroma. He realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite cakes. He finds the strength to drag his tired body to the kitchen and as his frail, withered hand reaches up to the table he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon as his wife barks, 'Bugger off, they're for the funeral!'

A man is looking for a secretary, there are three aplicants one is blonde, the other brunnete, and a red head. The man calls in the brunnete he asks her a couple of questions and everything is fine then he asks "How many t's ar there in Indiana Jones?" and the brunnete said none, and he says good. so he calls in the red head and everything is fine and he asks her the same question and she says none, and then he calls in the blonde and he asks her the same question and it she took a while thinking and guessing so the guy asks "Are you okay?" and she says "Yeah, give me a minute I'm thinking" a couple seconds later she says 36 and the guy asks "36?" and she said "yeah, ttttt ttt tttt t t t tt ttttt tttt ttttt t t tt t t

Blonde goes into PC World asking about curtains for her PC. Assistant says, "You dont need curtains for a computer". Blonde replies......"Hellooooo! I've got windows!"

This joke is kinda long

*******************
Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Scotsman and Paddy the Irishman were on a plane that was about to crash the pilot told them all to do something religious so Paddy the Englishman sang "Nearer my God to Thee" Paddy the Scotsman said the Lords prayer and Paddy the Irishman took off his hat and passed it around for a collection!

************************

It's not really that funny hope you get it and if I think of a funnier hoke I'll post it

once upon a time there were 3 presidents; George Bush, Felipe Calderon and Hugo Chavez. So they were walking and found an old man standing next to a pretty big rock and the old man said. "Gentleman this rock thats right next to me can grant you any wish just scream the name of what you want when you jump".
All the presidents got very excited so Hugo Chavez jumped first and screamed "socialism" and he landed in a socialist world, then Felipe Calderon jumped the rock and screamed " I want to be tall" and when he landed he was lik 6.5

Finally George Bush thought "This is my chance to take over the world" so he was running to jump the rock, but while he was trying to jump the wall he trip with it and screamed "oh shit"

And guess in what he landed

oh come on do some more ther hilarious
aspecialy that B&Q 1!!

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Okay this is seriously long...

There's a man sitting at a bar when a small guy comes up and hits him and says "that's kung fu from Japan" the man just ignores him 5 minutes later the small guy comes up and hits him again saying "that's judo from Korea" the man ignores him again 10 minutes later the small guy comes and hits him again saying "that's karate from China" this time the gets up and leaves he comes back half an hour later
The barman hears a noise when he gets there the small guy is lying knocked out on the ground and the other is standing over him, he says to the barman "when he wakes up tell him that was a shovel from Chadwick's*"...

*Chadwick's is a big DIY shop here for anyone who didn't know

Women's Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Mens Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit!

Bill works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bill! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling team'.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey'.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Billy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bill's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bill tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bill, you picked up a real bitch this time'.

ok here is a joke
Joke: What do you call a dog with no legs?

Answer or punch line: It doesn't matter he isn't coming

BTW to make the joke funny you need to answer quickly and look around

Here is one:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 500 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 500 dollars he owes me?"

Lol deathnote :D

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

OK, blond joke (if you are blond don't take it the wrong way)

A genni said he would give three wishes to 3 people an blond a red head and a brunet. The genni had to pass the people thru some test to see if they were brave enough.

"You have to fall off a mountain and make a wish that would save you from falling, what you wish is what you'll land on"

red head fall of mountain " I wish for pillows"
brunet falls off mountain " I wish for feathers"
blond falls off mountain "Uh...matress" " you have to say I wish the genni said"
and the blond said" HOLY SHIT!!! I had to say I WISH" "yeah now say it all together" the genni responded and the blond is like "I wish for holy shit"

and yes she did land on shit....

Santa!

He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when your awake. He knows when you've been dieting and when you've been eating cake! He knows when you've been sober, he knows when you've been plastered! Santa knows when your bad or good, coz he's a nosey bastard!

:D:D

Was in Asda today with my trolley full to the brim when a little old lady got behind me in the queue. She only had a pint of milk so I said, 'Is that all you've got love?' She replied, 'Yes' so I did the decent thing and said, 'If I were you I'd fuck off to another till.....Im gonna be ages!

A Cheery Poem :)

I wish I were a gloworm coz they are never glum, how can you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum!

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me:


Your a boy you daft bugger, now get out of your sisters clothes and piss off to school!

It was the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirrin, not even a mouse. With mom at the whorehouse and dad smokin grass, I just settled down for a nice piece of ass, when out on the lawn I heard such a clatter, I sprung to my feet to see whats the matter. When out on the lawn I saw a big d**k, I knew at that moment it must be St Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew for a moment the fat fucker had fell. He filled all our stockings with fags and beer, and a big rubber dildo for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a bitch blew my chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight and said piss on you all and have a helluva night!

Sorry this is so long, but it's hilarious!

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about five minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Okay, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have two glass eyes. Okay, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk six feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks six feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools, the floor, even the bartender. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."

Luvs it :D

No offense to blondes, but these jokes are hilarious! And a couple of my friends are blonde too, so I'm not predjudice against blondes or anything.

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Scroll Down. --->























<----- Scroll Up.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are running from the cops. They hide on a farm. The brunette hides with the cows, the red head hides in the chicken coop, and the blonde hides in a potato sack. The first cop goes over to the cows. The brunette says, "Moo!" The cop says everything's fine there. The second cop goes over to the chicken coop. The red head says, "Bawk, bawk!" The cop says that everything's fine there. The third cop goes over to the potato sacks. The blonde says in her sweetest voice, "Potato, potato!"

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

a blonde red head and brunette's car broke down in the middle of the desert
They decided to walk the remainder of the journey
They could only bring one thing each
The brunette brought a bottle of water
The red head brought a hat to shield her face from the sun
The blonde brought the car door so she could roll down the window
*********************************
yeah i know its useless lol

Lol :D

Three naked men in a sauna, an American, Japanese and Irishman. They hear a beeping sound, the American touches his arm and says, 'Thats my Pager, I have a microchip under my skin'. Next a phone rings, the Japanese guy lifts his palm to his ear, he says, 'I have i microchip in my hand'. The Irishman feeling very lowtech went to the toilet and came back with toilet paper hanging from his bum, he says, 'Oh jaysus! Would you look at that....Im getting a fax!' :D

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
and so are you
The roses are wilting
the violets are dead
the sugar bowl is empty
and so is your head


I called your boyfriend gay, he hit me with his purse.


The dinosaur extintion wasn't an accident barney came along and they all committed suiside.

You drive a pretty little powder blue pris, an eight pould dog, pretty christmas decorations all over your car, you make a living off dolls YOUR GAY!!

His response: I have a wife and three children

Oh good cover

"Take the f out of way."
"There is no f in way!"
"You're right. There is no effin' way!"

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

-----------------------------------------­---­---­---­---­---­---­--

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

-----------------------------------------­---­---­---­---­---­---­--

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

-----------------------------------------­---­---­---­---­---­---­--

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

-----------------------------------------­---­---­---­---­---­---­--

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A woman rushes into her house one morning and says to her husband, "Sam pack up your stuff I just won the lottery."
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" he asks.
"Whatever." she replies.
"So long as you're out of the house by noon."

A middle aged woman spends $5000 for a face lift and feels pretty good about herself. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a
newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

She replies, "I guess maybe... about 29?"

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say... 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm sorry, I'm 78 and my eyesight is not so good. Although..., when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how
old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you
are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He Lifts one breast
then the other and holds each and touches and caresses each breast...

After a couple of minutes, she said, "Okay, okay,... that's enough, how old am I ?"<p>

He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how did you know?"

He replied, "I was in line behind you at McDonald's."

Drinking Quotes

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~Frank
Sinatra~

"When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading." ~Henny Youngman~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case....Coincidence? I think not." ~Stephen Wright~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~Brian O'Rourke~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~Benjamin Franklin~

"BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! " ~ "Unknown" ~

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."