I'll start (of course): here in the US we've got a big chain of warehouse stores called "Costco". In addition to all the bulk packages of detergent, tube socks, candy and consumer electronics and just about everything else, most Costco locations have a lunch counter, where you can get a hot dog and fountain drink for $1.50.

I go there a lot. Not for the shopping, but for the cheap eats. Today was windy and the lunch counter is outside, so I got my hot dog (well, 2 Polish sausages and a slice of pizza, actually), paper cup, straw and plastic lid and attempted to hold onto all these items and the books I'd brought while I walked over to the condiments station. I'm from California, so naturally I know that ketchup belongs on any sausage with a bun - I put down the empty cup so that I could work the ketchup dispenser. The wind immediately took it and tossed it across the counter to land under the relish dispenser, the lid landing smack in the middle of a big glob of pickle slime. So I shifted my grip on my food, picked up the cup and carefully wiped all the green junk off of the lid. It took a while, but I got it to where I was reasonably certain I wouldn't be smelling pickle juice every time I sipped my soda. Satisfied, I threw away the big wad of used napkins, making sure to not put the cup down again so I wouldn't have it blow away again. I turned to pump out some ketchup on the first sausage, and the lid of the cup fell off, the wind grabbed it and rolled it vigorously around in the muck around the garbage bin.

I guess I just wasn't meant to have that lid.

When preparing my daughter's breathing treatment today, I squeezed the liquid medicine into the chamber's mask, but the liquid went into the nozzle and sprayed out all over my shirt.

I'd ordered some dresses offline and they'd been taking forever to show up and I was really anxious for them to get here. A few days ago there's a knock on the door and I look out the window and see the postman with a big package, so I went running down excitedly to the door. It was the dresses, I was really pleased and smiled up at the postman and noticed he was giving me a very weird look. I went inside and tried on the first one, and figured I should go look in the mirror to not only see how it looked, but to see if there was something in my teeth explaining the look on the postman's face when I smiled at him...I wish. I'd been so excited I'd forgotten I'd put a facepack on. My face was covered in bright white goo (which I had got all over the top of the dress when I tried it on) No wonder he gave me such a funny look. Oh well, at least the dress didn't stain. Nothing like new dresses to ease shame :)

We've got a front lawn at our new house, right? We've also got the most idiotic door knobs in the world. They can be locked, but on the inside, the knob will still turn. I complained about this to some friends of mine, and they nodded and said "Oh, that's a fire door" like it was the most obvious thing in the world, even though the real question is who in the world would EVER want to have a door that makes you think it's unlocked all the time???

You can guess where this story is going. I stepped out to turn on the lawn sprinklers, and the door slammed shut on me. Yep. Locked. Sunday morning, barefoot, nothing in my pockets, standing outside on my own stoop with the sprinklers going, and no way to get inside again. At least I was mostly dressed. Luckily my son eventually responded to my knocking and let me in again.

When I was younger we had a cat who wouldn't respond when you called just his name, he'd only come in if you sang a little mini song version of his name (blame my mum who sang that song at him so often I'm sure he thought it was his actual name) one time he'd gone over the fence onto our neighbour's shed and I needed to get him in for the night, but our neighbours were having a barbecue so they and all their friends were out in their garden. After trying in vain to get him to respond to his name for so long I was already starting to seem crazy I gave up and had to sing this stupid song to the cat while a big group of people listened giggling to themselves. Finally the cat came strolling in. Of course that wouldn't be embarrassing enough so, in my haste to get in the house away from all the people who just saw me serenading a cat I tripped on the step and went splat, ending up on the floor facing the cat who was looking all innocent

Today was my birthday, and me and my friends went out for a meal (allong with my mum and a couple of her friends to pay for it :P) and my mum asked the restaurant to play happy birthday to me and bring a cake. So half way through the meal, me and 3 other friends went to the toilet upstairs. We were all wearing really high heels and as we were in the loo, suddenly we heard the happy birthday music, so in a pannic we all started to run down the stairs (again i add how high our heels were) and as soon as we got to the bottom of the stairs it turned out they were singing happy birthday to another person, so we all fell about laughing at the bottom of the stairs (fell as in literally) and as we went back to the table in fits of laughter all my friends, my mum and her friends were just laughing at us.
It was hilarious :P ♥

We went to a water park over the weekend. At the last minute, we decided that I would be the one to go in the water if need be, and in our panic to get ready, we grabbed an old pair of board shorts for me instead of one of my other pairs of swim trunks. With this pair of board shorts, the fly is closed with velcro, but the stitching on one side is coming undone. It's not indecent, just that the velcro has a little more give than usual. So we spent an enjoyable afternoon there (I got sunburnt across my shoulders), bought some popcorn on the way out and then went to Cold Stone Creamery to add some ice cream for a snack (salty and sweet being the two snack food groups). My wife can't have dairy, so she went to another store to get a smoothie while I ordered for the kids and me. Service was slow Sunday afternoon, in part because there was only one person working the counter. So I had two kids running around, and had to place and pay for a complicated ice cream order for three people while holding a large bag of popcorn with one hand and our knapsack over my shoulder. Nothing extraordinary in any of that; a parent does this sort of thing eight times a day if he does it once.

But while the girl was scooping the ice cream - she was the only one, remember, and a large line had formed behind me - I got an itch at my right hip. In Cold Stone, the counters are really high - the people there basically work in a five-foot tall glass cage. I had an itch; I slipped my thumb just under the waistband of my board short to scratch it but then rrrrrriiiipppp! the velcro fly tore completely open. The only thing that kept my shorts from falling to my ankles for the total Free Willy experience was that I caught them with my left hand...or rather, I slapped the popcorn bag across the open fly, which prevented the shorts from falling.

So there I was, standing there with a bag of popcorn pressed to my crotch, wondering what to do and how I could do it without drawing too much attention or dropping trou. It was like a scene from a Roberto Benigni movie. I couldn't refasten the fly, because the popcorn bag covered it. I couldn't put anything down, because to put anything on the counter would require reaching up and a stretch might make me pop out and I couldn't put anything on the ground because bending over would drop the shorts. So I had to finish the order standing unnaturally still, while holding a large bag of popcorn rather tightly to my, uh, thighs.

People must have thought I really liked popcorn.

So I had to finish the order, walking around the counter and to the other side of the store to pay (getting out my wallet, extracting my credit card and signing the receipt all one-handed), and then carry the three cups of ice cream to the table before my wife could watch the kids long enough for me to hobble off to the bathroom to fix my pants.

I think only Potterheads will understand this, but here goes…

Last week I was packing for a camping trip. My mom told me to bringg a basket downstairs for her. Said basket was sitting under the banister.
So, I duck my head under the banister and pick up the basket. I almost made it.
The corner of the banister caught my forehead, just above my right eye.
I got the basket downstairs and to my mom, all with my right hand over my forehead. Suave me started cracking up laughing at the mere thought of it.

A few days later, I'm talking to one of my few Potterhead friends. I told him this story. The running joke between us is that I'm Harry Potter (don't ask).
Anyway, you know what I said to him? "I'm really having a fight with my forehead." Yep. Stupid git just HAD to start laughing.

Talk about being a Potterhead!

So after multiple suggestions from fiends of mine, I decided to buy a pair of board shorts. This particular pair of board shorts has two cargo style pockets, a fake drawstring and the Velcro fly, which has become my worst enemy now.

So I decided to use my board shorts as an everyday pair of shorts. I wore them the other day and went to meet up with some friends of mine.

The first thing I noticed with board shorts was that they sit on your hip rather then the waist line, something I wasn't used to. So as we were walking around it felt like the shorts were sliding down my hips, although I didn't think anything of it as I wasn't used to my shorts sitting lower on me and I had my t shirt tucked in. Well as We are walking all of the sudden I hear ripppp, the Velcro fly completely tore open and my shorts quickly start to drop. I guess I hadn't noticed that the velcro fly had slowly started to rip open, eventually the velcro being completely ripped apart. I quickly grabbed my shorts to prevent them from falling all the way down around my ankles. I go to refasten the Velcro fly only for it to rip open again seconds later, refasten it for it to do the same thing again. Now I am feeling utterly embarrassed in front of my friends as I am trying to hide my underwear from showing and literally not knowing what to do and literally panicking as I couldn't get this velcro fly to stay together.

I ended up deciding to give up for the time being and hold the shorts up by gripping them with my right hand. I should mention that carrying my an iPhone and keys in one pocket and wallet in the other weighs down the shorts significantly. So there I am trying to hold the shorts with my right hand, the same side with cell phone and keys, all this while the weight of my wallet is pulling the shorts down on the other side of the shorts. I am freaking out as my hand is sweaty now and scared that I might lose my grip. Well next thing I know my friend decides to sneak up behind me and yanking my shorts down to the ground leaving me standing there in my blue checkerboard boxers in front of the two other people we were with. I was literally mortified and frozen. I go to pull the shorts back up and finally got the velcro fly to stay together.

So we all decided to go have lunch. Well as I went to sit down the Velcro fly ripped open again. Well I again try to re fasten the velcro while seated only for it to rip back open the second I attached it. So I am sitting there at lunch with a velcro fly that's open. It's also important to understand that when the velcro fly isn't attached the shorts are twice as loose. Well stupid me I go to slide back in my chair only to make the shorts slide halfway off of me to the point where I was basically sitting on the shorts. So I am trying to cover up that my boxers are again showing and my same annoying friend sitting next to me notices and starts pulling at the shorts bringing them even lower. So I knew if I stood up I would need to grab the shorts right away or they would fall around my ankles. Well of course I would forget. At the end of lunch I stand up and watch the shorts fall down around my ankles leaving me standing in this restaurant in my blue checkerboard boxers. I was mortified knowing that my friends and now those around us at this restaurant were witnessing this horrific embarrassing moment. So I go to bend over to pick up the shorts after being in shock for a minute only for the shorts to be now tangled with the velcro on my flip flops. So I literally had to step out of the shorts, get the flip flops out of the holes of the shorts and put them back on.... I felt like I was standing there in my underwear for like hours if not longer. So now we are walking out of this restaurant and once again I am dealing with a velcro fly that wont stay attached.... Well it would attach to my boxers just fine (which was really irritating) which wasn't helpful.

From there we decided to go and play a game of football. Well trying to run for a football and dealing with a velcro fly that wouldn't stay together and instead kept sticking to my boxers. Needless to say it's impossible and, let's just say my shorts ended up around my ankles a few times. I knew at this point there was nothing I could do. I just know that I wanted to change into another pair of shorts as I was utterly embarrassed as my friends were seeing me in my underwear.

After our football game we walked back to my friends house with him continuing to try and sneak up behind me and try to pull my shorts down. This while I am continuing to try and get that Velcro fly to stay secured. Unfortunately the more I tried the more I ended up raising my boxers up too, it was a mess and I can only say again that I was mortifed.

I will keep those shorts, they just won't be a top choice for me to wear